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Sunday, September 17th, 2006
7:21 pm - my oh my
its been so long since i hae touched live journal..but i thought i should again.

i guess basics:
i am now 20
i live in so cal
i go to fullerton
and i am still trying to figure out who i am.

i miss you all.
and it should be intersting to see if i can keep up whit this LJ thing.

fyi i blog on my myspace a lot:D

www.myspace.com/itspeiday :D

love you all.


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Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
1:40 am
well i did it again, go weeks without blogging. fuck it <3 haha. im sorry yall, but im just so fucking busy now. here's a typical day:
7:30- wake up for school
do all the morning goodness stuff
9:00- first class, Speech 1A
10:45- class is over, go to starbucks get a drink, and then go back to school.
12:00- Philosophy 6
1:30- class is over, go home to change
3-4ish- go to work (starbucks)
8-10- come home
10-2 do homework


dont get me wrong, im happy. but SO flipping exhausted. *sigh* oh the pains of school. i wish i wasnt in class, i could SO work and be perfectly content! oh well <3

now thats an update. happy now?

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Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
2:25 am
i always forget to blog.
but i always have a lot to say, so lets see how far i get:

Im finally back in nor cal after being in so cal for a week :D my finals went well, grades are good enough, and im taking a few classes this summer.

So Cal:
fri: stayed with lerina. pretty fun, we played spoons with some vodka and orange juice, and just had a good time :D we put our hairs up in little "ears" or buns, and joked around :D nothing to far gone, no body drank much, and we were just silly.
sat: stayed up ALLLL DAYYY with charvy and watched Desperate Housewives
sun: went to liz :D
mon: liz
tues: more liz :D we watched nip/tuck and lots of random movies... pretty chill and somehow janice convinced me to go to her weird type of calculus discussion... o.O
wed:more liz and nip/tuck and ppl doing papers and homework around me.
thurs: MORE nip/tuck that night... and tennis that day... and food. lots of food.
fri: day we went home :D slept all day, and packed then came home

this weekend so far:
sat: unpacked, and relaxed
sun: my baby cousin emma's first birthday party :D heres a picture of her froma few weeks ago:Image hosted by Photobucket.com and another: Image hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com

sorry for all the pictures...
then sunday later on: liz, jon and i went karaoking in sf, we ate good food, and stopped off in sausalito and looked at the pretty bay. thatn ight back at my house we some how convinved jon to do one of those pore nose strips with us :D haha. good times, good times. ill post pix of it later.

well theres a lot missing here from previously so i will try:
lots of circle K thing have happened: we went clubbing, we have had our STC (spring training conference), SFSU Banquet, and im in charge of our next DCM in july. local club wise we had fundraising for the middle way with The Human Race, and now have a new officer, my friend chris, who recently had a AHEM moment! uhm, ohh yeah we had our governor's banquet, and have been going to more Kiwanis Club meetings. its hard to have 3 kiwanis clubs to visit, but they are all awesome :D

YVC: i havent been that involved lately. i guess you ocould say im kind of done with it.. ive done my job, and meetings have just happened to be on days/times that i am busy. i want to do more with it before the year is over though, but i wont make promises.

friends: you konw its werid

one moment i feel like i am really connected, and the next i feel like an observer looking in and just wishing they were part of it all. take this one friend for example: they are a FABULOUS person, and i mean amazing. when we hang out alone, it is totally cool. but the second we are in a group, i dont feel good enough for them. they have their other groups and im just not allowed to be a part of them. and the part that hurts is that they dont notice, and when they do, they ignore it. its just weird cuz one minute we are so close, and the next i dont even think i know them. They say im important but then other groups of ppl are treated like they are more important. i dont know what to do with it, they are an old friend, and they've changed... but not all the time. is it worth confronting? should i just forget it and leave it alone? maybe im just over reacting. i just have such a fear of being set to the side and being considered insignificant. they never show emotion to me... well rarely, and its a bit cold over here. oh well, no significant problems i guess. anyways moving on...

today: err i guess yesterday... MONDAY: went to sf, went shopping, and shopping and eating and got my hair cut. its a bit shorter than i like but whatever, hair grows right? ill live.

ive just been living. school, not really work (i quit buckle and im pretty much done with the VC), and trying to catch up on sleep. but igues being up at 2:40 in the morning dosent count,. hahha. anyways, i should sleep. ha. should, what a word. anyways, gnite and i promise ill try to blog withIN the next month.

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Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
1:55 am
Well its been a while again. Its funny really, ill be driving and thing of things and be like “I should blog this tonight..” yet somehow I always don’t. but there has been one thing that has stuck in my mind that I think is time to put out on the table.

A couple of days ago I was driving myself to a class... when I came upon a slowdown on Old Redwood Highway… At first it didn’t seem like anything except too many cars on the road, and then I saw a huge area filled with ambulances and police car’s and fire trucks. At first I was worried until I realized all the officers were standing around together, chatting and with no accident in sight… yet. As I continued to drive down the street, I saw at cardinal newman two crushed cars covered by a tarp. It was at this moment I had the “I should blog this” thought. It was their Every Fifteen Minutes program in action. I immediately reflected to my junior year when our own school had this program.

I reflected back to the first day of the program, as my classmates were pulled from class. I wont lie, I myself wanted to be “killed” so I could escape school for a day. As we walked out to the “accident” scene on our field, I thought about how “cheesy” the situation was, and I was honestly joking about it all. For me, the situation was just not real. During the actual “accident” occurance, with the helicopter coming in, with the fire truck, with watching the “death” of my classmates… it started to feel a little more real... but I knew that it was still all “fake.” Even when they announced that the passengers were D.O.A it still didn’t feel like it would affect me.

I went home that night feeling almost nothing. The next day was a completely different situation. We had a “funeral” for the students lost, and as they carried in a casket, I could immediately feel that the day was different. They played overhead a slideshow of my classmates, from youth until now, with happy pictures, with things that we all wish to document in a person’s life. It was beautiful. And then the speaking began, as students and their parents went up, and read letters out loud. The parents wrote letters to their dead childrens, about the hopes and dreams they had for their lives. They cried and talked about how precious life was, how they already missed them after one day… Maybe I should say here that when the child is “killed” an actual police officer is sent to the parents place of work to tell them that their child has been killed in an alcohol related accident. It dosent get any more real than that, and the kids are taken away for a day…now back to the event… I recall sitting there, and suddenly realizing that even though this was fake, how real it could have been. As I listened to all the parent’s letter’s to their kids, I wondered to myself what my parents would say if I was one of those students. I immediately flashed back to my life and the relationship I had with them, and resolved that I was not close enough to them. I immediately decided that it was time that I started to get to actually know my parents as people, and not just as parents. Staring at the group of kids, I scanned through them, and while many of them I did not know at all, I saw my friend steven up there. Instantly my chest closed up as I had a vision of what if this whole situation was real? As I sat and sobbed to myself, I looked around and finally felt united with my school as I noticed everyone else around me crying for their friends, for their family and for the closeness of reality.

It is an odd sensation, to realize how close death is to life.

Later that day, as circles of people gathered, I met and talked to some people in a group that would be impossible to imagine together. We had “nerds” and “Goths”, talking with the “preps” and “theater” kids. I realized that there was one thing that could cross all social boundaries, grief. And for at least that day I went to a school, and I felt like a part of a student body.

While all that I wrote above was important, it is not nearly as important as the next part of this entry…

For one day, maybe even two, there was a feeling around my campus of pure unity and of a group that had changed. Within two weeks, that feeling was gone. So it brought me to this thought last week when I saw the program at cardinal newman.

What is the use of us as people connecting, and understanding, if we are going to forget it all and resort back to our old ways? Yes there is room for mistakes and learning what is wrong, but what happens when the mistake is the loss of a life? You only get one chance.

And so I continue to reflect, and remember all those that have been lost to alcohol. I remember the youth of our county who were killed in accidents, I remember the friend who drank too much at a party, and I remember the parent who was constantly drunk. I remember the bicyclists who were run off the road, and the teen driver who was hit by a drunk. I remember those, that others so easily forget.

I want the pain, and I want the sorrow. If it means that I am here another day, if it means that my friend calls me instead of driving, if it means we can go a week without an alcohol related death in the news, then it means that there is a chance for me to never have to feel that pain and sorrow again.

So I ask you, my friend, my audience, my companion to think seriously about lessons we learn in life. This isn’t just about drinking… this is about us as humans making mistakes. We repeat history because we believe it is just history….but it isn’t. it is a now and a future as well.

To end this:
The day after newman’s every fifteen minutes program, a carrillo alumni was killed in an accident where his truck flipped. Two other passengers in his car were injured, and open beer bottles were found in the car. They believe that alcohol was the cause of the accident.

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Friday, April 8th, 2005
1:25 am
well obviously i havent updated in like a month.. so i guess i will try here:

things that have happened:
i have been working on stuff for yvc, so i have been busy there just doing this and that, as well as busy with school.
during spring break:
saw liz a whole lot
had a funny nighttime drive involving her, jon, ian and myself
saw steve yu and friends
worked once at buckle
worked twice at yvc
watched some not-so-good movies
spent a lot of money on food
didnt sleep much
was okay anyways :)

im just re-adjusting to my life again, its nice to have my mom home. I seem to go through a lot of up's and downs lately.. and im on an up and im hopin to stay up for a while at least haha.

now for a little more detail:
in the world of volunteer work:
i have been really busy with summer corps, just trying to get it organized, get weeks together, GET PEOPLE TO CALL ME BACK BAHH... but its all worked out... We had Cesar Chavez day which was really successful!. lots of people, more food, good entertainment and a meaningful project. there isnt much more i could ask for haha. next thing for YVC was the old mexico dinner we just had on wed night.. very successful i think, good times. and today er..yesterday we had a job fair :)
as for circle K, ive not been very involved lately...but we do have a few things going on: a. night club on thurs. lemme know if ur intersted, ill get u in contact. b. i missed convention for cesar chavez day *sigh* c. we might work on the rose parade for Circle K d. we have new district officers :) yay for that.

world of retail:
its there. its nice. whatever. haha end of story.

world of home:
its getting better. look, seriously love my family. they mean everything to me.. and evne when i bitch and complain.. i still love them. its just hard to remember that at times... when you are at the bottom and just trying to keep your head above the water. anyways.. mom's home. and i really think we have an even closer relationshp now. my mom and i are such nerds together... i.e. we have matching mashimaro wallpaper's on our laptops.. oh yeah we just got her one on monday because she thought it was "cute" and she wanted it haha. its an ibook :) the first mac in the family! =-o! its so funny to watch her try to use it :) anyways... yeah it all is starting to work out for me

maybe thats what it is.. the failure and setting up for success. maybe that is what so called "life" is about. i gues you could say i have given up on trying to find perfection... (other than in a boy :D)well, this is more blogging than ive done in a while, and i should go to sleep or something soon. for those of you whom i havent seen or talked to in a while.. call me. no seriously... i really am ready to see and talk to those people... dosent it ever bother you that we have lost touch? maybe not bother... but who couldnt use another friend right? yeah. k. ciao.

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Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
1:22 am
i hate that i even think about it.

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Saturday, February 26th, 2005
9:04 am
my grandpa just passed away.
i knew he was sick, but somehow i convinced myself i wouldnt be that sad if he passed because he lives in korea.
but now that its happened... well i was wrong.
i dont know how to deal with this on top of everything.
my mom is leaving for korea now and i still have to go to work.

wow i live a wonderful life.

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Saturday, February 12th, 2005
7:06 pm
it is amazing how alone you can feel in a crowd.

i dont think i have ever been as lonely as i was today.  it seemed no matter whati did, who i tried to call, i didnt get a response.  i couldnt talk to my sister who was way to held up in being with her friends and being a bitch to me, my friends didnt pick up their phones...and there was just this feeling.  its like. i felt as though no one else would notice me.  i drove around today...trying to make myself feel more..well.. a part of something. i walked into stores that looked crowded. hoping for some interaction... only to find myself feeling alone and alienated.

its weird to feel this way.  i dont know.. like no one cares.  this whole day has been of a reflective matter.  i couldnt help but think, do i have real friends?  are the people around me ones i really could run to and cry to?  even if you are reading this and saying to yourself "of course im your real friend" take into consideration this:  would you come cryiing to me?  and do i feel the same way?  i dont mean to sound like a bitch, but really..

these thoughts eventually lead me to the conclusion of another.  i realized how unimportant my accomplishments have been so far.  i realized how fucking selfish i have been, and how pathetic my trivial problems were.  Look at me.  who am i?  is it really that important that i have good grades? or a nice purse?  what do either of these do for who i am? i sit around and wonder about what stupid shirt to wear tomorrow, when i really should be appreciating the fact that i am alive.  i dont think i have ever experienced reality.  everything i hvae done in my life was for the benefit of myself.  my school work was so i can get a good job.. my music because it was something i could brag about.. my voulnteer work because its good on my resumee.. i am a shallow person.  but what about reality?  how have i been able to be so completely self absorbed these past years?

look at my stupid whiny posts about " i wish iwas in love" bla bla bla shit... i wish i was REAL.  why am i sitting here complainging when you look at the tsunami survivors.  look at them...   
I ask of you to take a minute and look.  and to think.  i ask of you to reconsider how significant your lives are.  if that happened to us tomorrow, how would you look back on your life?  look at these pictures...these are real. 

she is real. he is real.  they are the ones that deserve the life that i live.  they are the ones that have suffered..lost their families.  the first girl lost her entire family.. the boy is crying because hes watching his sisters body being cremated.  can you imagine?  what if this was us..you..me..your brother, your sister... 

so what am i really saying here? i dont really know myself.  maybe i am trying to just say that it is time for all of us to be real before it is too late.  maybe what i am saying is that it is time we stop pretending and trying to be someone we arent, because it can get swept away in a moment.  maybe this is just a call for attention after a day of feeling completely alone.  maybe its both.

its amazing how easy it is to cover up a tears... a little excuse about dust in the air, and a bright smile.  i wonder if people can see through it.

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Thursday, February 10th, 2005
12:10 am
Love and Sex With Your Friends by dannygrl0129
Favorite Color
Love of your life:marissgsssb
Best sex of your life:cuzimazn
Will make you come 1000 times:sixdollaburger
Will break your heart:aliastkd
Best Kisser:bobalicious818
Best cuddler:grimarcher
You secretly dream of:l337_3y3_l1z
But this person dreams of you:swtg7311
Will handcuff you and screw you silly:stereowaltz
Quiz created with MemeGen!

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Saturday, February 5th, 2005
3:13 am
so my sister deleted my response to her xanga.. i then posted this:

just cuz you delete it dosent mean it still dosent exist. which proves another point. you only read what you want. you only hear what you want. you dont want the truth, only what makes you look better.

i feel sorry for you.

: anyways.. to my day. i went to a ysac meeting and then lorens house. that about sums it up... i guess i am really contemplative... bt i think ill post that later. save you some thinking time.


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Friday, February 4th, 2005
12:35 am - to my sister
i want you to listen to me as carefully as you can. why do i post this and not talk to you? simply because you dont listen. You can make someone hear you but you cant force them to listen. So listen here. Why do we not push you? Maybe because you have no respect for people in your family . We push you, you yelll, scream, and bitch. Let me tell you, mom and dad have worked their ASSES off so you could be a spoiled little brat, And do they REALLY want to come home to you BITCHING at them about how you didnt want to go to dance class? or about how UNFAIR your life is? I DARE You to live ONE DAY out on the streets. Your problem is not that they dont say good job or that they are proud, is that you dont LISTEN. Not every family says they are proud in the same way. Look at grandpa. Does he ever say it? No. But i will tell you, he would give anything to make sure you live a good life. He cares, he expresses it in a different way, but I am sure you havent noticed. Why do mom an dad say you arent good enough?

I hate to break it to you, but it is because you arent. You are so wrapped up in being someone else, in living the life of what a you THINK your life should be. Your hair looking good today will do NOTHING for your future. I know you dont want to thnk about your "future" and "im only 13" but welcome to reality. If you want to be treated like an adult (yada yada yada i know you think im blabbering) ACT LIKE A FUCKING ADULT. Stop dressing like a tramp, and looking like a hooker. What is the entire rush of being "sexy?" Do you realy enjoy the fact that every time you walk out of the house mom worries that you might get raped? You wonder why people do? Because they look like easy targets. Thats why they want you to act, and dress your age. Mom and dad treat you young because you act like some immature 6th grader. think about it, you dress like a 20 year old and act like a five year old. you are a walking contridiction. You get so much more than i did at that age. Dont think you have a harder life than I did. You may think it is hard living up to the standards, but let me tell you, I had to set the standards. I didnt have an older sister that could help me with school. I didnt have someone to talk to, I didnt have the support you have. I didnt even have rides to school events most of the time. I worked for everything I had. everything you strive for, i had to work twice as hard. And you ahve these things. Mom and dad have more time now, they can help you. You have me here to help too. But you knw what you do? you yell, you ignore and you remind me and others how much you "hate" us. So how can you expect us to continue to push you?

You know why they dont push you? because when they push you to the right direction, you push them back. they dont want to have you hate them, so they let you have what you want. they dont have the time as normal parents do. FYI most parents work 9 hour days. at most. Ours work 13 hour days at least. they wake up earlier than you, get home later than you. And you still have the nerve to BITCH about how difficult your life is. Do a days work. Learn the value of ANYTHING. You take things for granted because you have been handed life on a silver platter, from us, your friends, everyone. Yeah you have a lot to live up to, but what is so wrong in have GOALS in life? Isnt that what keeps us from going astray?

Lets remember this. while you live up to me, i live up to mom and dad. Everything i do right, its "well thats fine" and everything i do wrong its "dont give a bad example to ching". everything i do is based around you, from work schedules, to figuring out school to driving you around, and making sure you have enough money for food to making sure you are happy. You are my sister, but i had to help raise you much more than most sisters do. If you are tired of not being good enough, try being me.

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Thursday, January 20th, 2005
1:26 am
This is my wedding song. My future hubby better love it ;)

Side A Band- Forever More
i may have run out of songs to sing
i may have run out of words to say
but all that i want you to know is what i feel for you:
i love you
as endless as forever
our love will stay together
you're all i need to be with forevermore

there are times when i just want to look at your face
with the stars in the night
there are times when i just want to feel your embrace
in the cold of the night
i just cant believe that you are mine now

you were just a dream that i once knew
i never thought i would be right for you
i just cant compare you with anything in this world
you're all i need to be with forevermore

all those years ive longed to hold you in my arms
i've been dreaming of you
every night, i've been watching all the stars that fall down
wishing you would be mine
i just cant believe that you were mine now


time and again
there are these changes that we cannot end
sure a star that keeps going on and on
my love for you will be forevermore

wishing you would be mine
i just cant believe that you were mine now

you were just a dream that i once knew
i never thought i would be right for you
i just cant compare you with anything in this world
as endless as forever
our love will stay together
you're all i need to be with forever more
(as endless as forever
our love will stay together)
you're all i need
to be with forevermore

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Monday, January 17th, 2005
1:12 am
so i wrote this poem last year for the senior poetry unit. somehow found it again today. thought i would post it... but changed just alittle. i added a few lines... here and there. here it is

As these words flow from this pen
As I sit here and rant about you
As I close my eyes and hear your voices
Behind me
Thinking you aren’t heard

Hoping that you are
Masking with that perfect pearly smile of yours
Ripping at who I am
Who you THINK I am

Piece by piece
I begin to tear

Like an old ragged doll
Thin red gashes begin to open
Canyons of flesh
And I
Begin to bleed

Not red seas of my flesh
But words

They fall from my body
Dripping, gushing, releasing
Intertwining and becoming as a whole
Whale of words, of colors
Of emotions and the sea flows
It flows
It flows beside the river Styx
Smoothly rippling over the edges of my skin
Filling the crevices with these words
These emotions
It flows from my wounds
Scarring me
Reminding me of you

I wish I could read this to you
So you could feel my voice

The heat of its beat
The tremble of my soul
As it gives itself to you
The smooth stabs of syllables
Ripping into you

Dripping with your curses
Drowning you
Giving you names as you give me
“that girl”
and whom I may or may not be
but it doesn’t matter, it’s all in YOUR opinion
because some how along the way you got the notion
that you are BETTER
than me

don’t you think I feel your hushed voice
calling me fat, ugly, and a disgrace?
Don’t you think I feel that pain when you
Stab me with those cold fiery eyes
Talking about how I’m little miss perfect?

Those lies between giggles
Floating between the ripped sails of me
Battered, ruined, failed, old, beaten, bruised, bleeding
Like me

Words dripping out of my crevices
Crusty painful reminders
Clotting, trying to save who I am
But as always
It’s always too late
I’ve already drained into this pale pit less person
The makings of your words
Of your laughs
Of your stares

Of my fears

I sit in my red corner

I sit and cry in my red corner
It’s all I’ve got
After you’ve taken it all away
And yet…
You still talk.

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Saturday, January 15th, 2005
11:34 pm - the trip
Well I wrote this entry a few days ago, but being back at school ive been CRAZY busy… so here it is :D leave me a comment!...

Well I am sure by now you have all noticed ive been gone for a while: so I will try to update you a bit on the doings of my life:

The usual things happened: we had Christmas, I worked a ton and I made me some good money… But lets skip down to my trip:

So I left on the 29th of December with bonnie and denise, and we got onto the airport express. We got to the airport at about 3:00 with a 5:00 flight… So we are two hours early, but its not too big of a deal because we still have to get our tickets and go through security and get food… and then we realize our flight is delayed…almost an hour. And I had planned for a shuttle t meet us there… so I had to change the times on it TWICE. ANYWAYS, we finally fly into LAX where we learn it would have been smarter to fly into Burbank….but whatever.. and head off to Glendale where the YMCA that we are staying at is. So we finally arrive.. and bonnie and denise and myself wait for the rest of the group to find us… we meet up that night, and are each given assignments to do, i.e. I helped people unload and park cars.. (directing…no actual driving ) which was fun :D except for the part that I was SOAKED. That night we all go to sleep pretty good, and even play a round of cranium. Bonnie Denise and myself end up making a spot in the women’s locker room (there is carpeting there).

Anyways over the next few days we work on the floats…doing all the details….like putting carnation petals all around this apple thing….one by one… THOUSANDS of them…So we do al our work… meet a few new people.. and it was jut a fun weekend of us making fun of eachother…

We celebrated the new years in the mens locker room of the YMCA. Lol don’t ask :D it was a fun night,, we played silent football… and I LOST one round.. and had to pay the price… a little cross dressing for me, Kelly, phil, penis (peter) and mike.. my oh my. Lol but good times :D and then we played karaoke revolution and DDR. So it was all in good fun. Next day those of us who woke up early went and saw the parade :D

After the hustle and bustle, a group went to out lunch… and then eventually Kelly mike david and myself headed south. We dropped david off in some town, and continued to kelly’s place in SD. It was a fun few days there.. just totally chill and relaxed. I did have a moment though when I found out that my grandpa in korea was in a coma. Honestly, I still don’t know much about his condition…. And though it worries me, I cant say that I haven’t seen this coming for a while…. *sigh* lets get off that topic.. and back to the trip… I am not in a mood to mope. Anyways I got to hang out with Kelly and Mike and it was a great time :D had a ton of fun….

So I leave SD by taking an Amtrak and meet this REALLY cool girl named Cristian. We get along, and basically just talk the whole trip. It was like two hours, but we had a really good time :D Anyways, more onto the trip…

I arrive in Irvine, and liz tells me to meet her at the la quinta inn on sand canyon.. so I do… and then we realize that our reservations are at the la quinta inn NOT in Irvine, but in costa mesa. Because we are cool like that. =-o So we stay at our cheap hotel, order food and just kind of hung out that night…. We are funny people and we roll… hehe. Anyways.. the next day we take another cab over to the school (mind you we spent over 70 dollars in CABS) and get into her room… we then take a bus to fashion islands and just go shopping :D So the next few days I meet all her suite mates (tammy, Victoria, Jessie, Jessica, Karen, maria, shanehi, mylissa, nichelle, janna, Janie and….er…. OMG I forgot one! Bah!) plus other people like andy her RA, chris (guy that’s allergic to his own liver), oliver who looks like hes from the cartoon dragon ballz, pat the guy whos Korean and is always with liz and Janice, I met mike and mark the two white guys, mike has a secret admirer in the hall, I met the other mark also known as pojo? Hes really nice. Then there was another white guy chris who won in poker, Austin a tall skinny asian guy, a guy named Kevin who looks like kettenburg (OMG I KNOW!) and alaina who lives on the second floor but more like lives in the suite. Alaina is my counter personality…only more punk :D I also cant forget linh who lives on floor two, and josh who sings with me on the phone. There are a TON more people, but I JUST cant list them off the top of my head. WHOOOSH.

So things we did:
- go shopping at Fashion Islands
- go grocery shopping at Albertsons
- Eat at the CheeseCake Factory in honory of liz’s birthday
- walk through the rain to visit lerina
- meet a TON of really great people :D
- watched jon fall over from spinning
- just have a great time :D

I must say… staying there for the week made me re-consider Irvine as a school for me. I had previously dismissed it…but god damn I like the way it is made. Its small..but there is enough off campus stuff to do… the people are great…and it helps that my best friend goes there. AGH back to the times…

So we had a pretty good time there.. the last night I was there I went to a party with liz… totally thought I wouldn’t know ANYONE…but OMG I knew like 1/3 the ppl there. It was TRIPPY. I was SO confused! So I just had a good time there with liz :D and took lots of pictures. I will miss everyone I met GREATLY, but don’t worry :D I’ll be back!

Oh and big life decision:
I am FOR SURE applying to UCLA ! AH so scared!

current mood: happy

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Sunday, December 19th, 2004
2:35 am
Just to let you know ahead of time…this entry has two parts. Part one is very just fun “what I did the past few days” and part two is me still happy… but it’s just... another one of those “pei” rants…

Wed: I took finals. Enough said lol 

Thurs: took MORE finals  I think I did decently well… AND I want to be a PUBLICIST! Couldn’t you see me in that career??? I think its FABULOUS!
Anyways, that night after finals, liz and I drove to Benecia. Its this cute little suburb of like Vallejo, and we got to spend some time with Melinda that night. We were really dorky and played some games, like silly mind games, such as Alien Numbers, just things you played when you went to camp and were like seven. It was COMPLETELY dorky but COMPLETELY fun! Very enjoyable.

Fri: Woke up at like 9ish to hear CATS MEOWING outside our window. MY GOSH THEY WERE ANNOYING. So liz and I both ignored it… until we just got pissy and liz let the cat in… we fall back asleep almost… and five minutes later.. the OTHER cat wants to come in too. OMG. Anyways… we go back to sleep and get up at about ten. We do our morning stuff, and go to meet up with her friend, and dorm mate, Chris. Now, let me tell you what I knew of Chris before I met him.
1. He dances
2. he does physics
3. he rides a unicycle
4. he hurt himself riding a unicycle and got a concussion
5. he’s a very good Christian boy
6. he plays cs with liz
7. is from benecia
8. is a tall skinny white guy that goes to UCI (now THAT is rare! )
and that’s pretty much it. Oh and that he is like stannon BEFORE he went all bahhalsdhroiehaojdflakheish on everyone. But its not just stannon that he reminds me of… He also is VERY Erik ish. Blonde minnasota erik… It was crazy. Anyways back to lunch….

So we eat lunch at a restaurant by a gas station (classy, I know  )and there is a REALLY funny and HOTT waiter named Matt there (ill post a picture later). It was just fun to talk and joke…. Poor Chris could barely eat anything. Get this: He cant have ANY dairy products: i.e. milk, cheese, BUTTER. Like…WHO can’t eat butter??? *sigh* anyways… we finish lunch, and since liz wouldn’t let chris pay… he was as thick headed as she was, and as we walked out the door threw money on the table… later we asked how much he put,, cuz liz left a decent tip too.. get this… we left over a 50% tip. LOL. My gosh we are AWESOME!

Any-who we talk after lunch for like an hour outside, then we all leave, and liz and I go say goodbye to Melinda at her school.. then head home. Liz and I take the LONG way home… we left at 2:15 and got home at like 5:30.. we are awesome. You know whats MORE awesome? I had work at 5 =-o hehe. My boss knew I was going to be late  I called. But anyways… then I had to go to work… and today at work I was in a REALLY good mood. Because I have come to a conclusion, well… a conclusion I am going to express yet again.


Those who read my journal regularly already know what I am going to say. So I wont even say its name, ill just talk about it.

It is like everytime I think, I cant help but wonder if it will ever happen to me. I look at people and see how happy they are with it, I see their smiles, their laughs, but mostly I see how whole they are. I always feel like, no matter how great a day I have, or how wonderful of something happens to me, I always feel like its not AS great as it can be because I don’t have someone to share it with. Yeah I have my friends, but I want a different connection.

I want to be able to look at someone and know that I am special. I want to look at that one someone and feel that I am special, and cared about. I want to find someone who’s arms I fit in, who’s smile reflects my own, and who is just as dorky as I am. I need this void filled.

And maybe that’s why I don’t understand people who have casual sex. Yes it feels good… but why do we throw ourselves into complicated situations? Our bodies are sacred... they are not a tool. They are the embodiment of our souls. I just don’t see how it can be good for us. Maybe that’s my morals just barking at my heels…but really though. Lust and love are two different things… I am looking for the latter. And so far, I have never been able to find anyone who I feel like that about. Or maybe once I did…. But I did what every other person does… I shut it away and I always look back. *sigh* I don’t date casually because I already know what I want. I want to find someone that I can seriously consider spending the rest of my life with. I want to find someone that makes me giggle, laugh, and just feel good around. I just want happiness.

And I am like any girl. When I was younger, I dreamed about Prince Charming, what he might look like…. If he was tall, short, funny, witty, sarcastic…. if he had a castle, or maybe two. I thought about what the wedding would be like.,,., what celebrities we’d invite… which house we would use. I dreamed about going shopping without a spending limit and just cuddling at night with my prince. There were violins playing, and magical stars.

But I don’t need the houses, or the money. I don’t need the looks or celebrities or limitless credit cards. What I do need is the companionship, and humor. I need the cuddling, and silly jokes. I need arms that are willing to help me hold my world together, and I help hold theirs. I need hands that are strong enough to protect, but soft enough to help me with my wounds.

I sound like a bad cheesy movie… But that is the truth. That is what I want.. that is who I am. And I know I sound like I am asking for a lot… but isn’t that what you want too? Don’t you want that soft smile that can just make anything go away? Or that touch that sooths and excites you at the same time? Don’t you ever think about that one person you could actually spend eternity with? Because I do. I do every day.

But don’t forget. My perfect person may not be your perfect person… there is different humor, different touches. Chemistry exists, but it is a matter of finding who you connect with. So I end this entry with this: Best of luck to you all looking for your own “it”. I wish you the best of luck. For those who have “it”, count yourself lucky.

Remember, if you HAPPEN to meet someone or know someone that would be great for me, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I think I am finally ready to get my heart broken and mended. Here we go…..

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Friday, December 3rd, 2004
11:44 pm - a freewrite
sometimes i just hate how life throws you around. like i am some stupid raggady ann doll. all i can do is call the insurance people and get transferred to like FIVE different god damned people, and that is just for the AUTO insurance. then there is the stupid homeowners insurance that i need to collect upon my laptop, and all those other things. wathever. i did the math, they owe me at least $3116.

another note

lately... ive been feeling so.. suffocated.
i feel like i am bound down, and i just cant seem to get out of it. Its like every time i try to go somewhere, something is tugging at my ankle.. or more of in my chest. its like, i cannot be who i am or want to be.. there are too many restraints. Could it possible be because of my commitments? Maybe i am taking on to much... but i am taking so many more classes next semsester... gah... i dont know what to do.

i really want to transfer in two years..but with how classes fill up and such.. its really difficult to fill up with my requirements. I am going to have to take more than a full scheudle for the summer *eeps*... which sucks, because this past summer, well.. i didnt have a summer. it was working 40 hours a week, and then doing school, and working buckle sometimes... gah.

i need to quit something. now the question is ..what?
or maybe i just need to figure how to do things in more moderation...

I think it is time that i finally realize i cant do everything.

i need to pass out.

oh, my birthday is next week too.

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11:41 pm
volunteering is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

omg. that is creepy.

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Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
12:53 am - i hate crying
i hate crying in front of people i dont know well. ugh.

so maybe you are wondering why i was crying? let me tell you:
I am stressed with life. there was so much i am worrying about. 1. I hve HUGE credit card bills i need to pay off ASAP. One of them got out of hand because of a stupid mistake I made.. I wrote the wrong account number online in paying..and so it didnt run through, and they charged me a 50 dollar finance charge that sent me over the limit, chargning another 40 dollars.... AND caused me to have bad credit. Now.. I FINALLY put 500 on it, but still owe 400 because of plane tickets i bought today... and i have to pay that off tomorrow. FURTHERMORE, I still have to get payment from the Circle K to pay off my OTHER card used for it. So i have about.... 920 in credit card bills needed to be paid off? My moms saving my ass and giving me money to do it with. Sometimes i get all flustered with her...but i know shes always there for me. love you mommy.

Second stress in life: I have FINALS coming up. Thats right. FINALS. i dont even know what to do with myself.. i am so over stressed about it all... i just cant think straight.

THIRD: Signing up for classes for next semester: OMG classes are filling so fast..already one of my classes is closed and i dont even get to go to register until fri between 1-3. OMG.

FOURTH: i have an exam in psychology on thurs

FIFTH: I have a presentation in COMM5 tomorrow that is NOT finished or ready to be presented for 25 minutes with my group. MY GOD

okay this is what topped it all off and made me cry:
I went with Kayleigh to express to go talk to ryan about our group prsentation for tomorrow (he works there). we then proceed to go to his car to get some papers out of it abuout 8:30... and i see some guy standing next to my car... of course he moves away and he seems alright. kayleigh and i go back into the mall...and do some work in the food court with jon until ryan gets off work at 10. we leave and go out side.. and lo and behold.

someone broke into my car. they broke and shattered the windows. even better...

they stole my palm pilot... and spilled soda everywhere... oh and then
they stole my laptop. HAHAHAHA.

So thats wehre i begin to just break down and cry... because quite frankly.. WHY does this have to happen to me?????? Im Pei-Pei. I go to school, i get decent grades, I work with community service... i help troubled youth, and feed the hungry... I am currently running a Jacket drive for cold and homeless teens... I am president of Circle K and helped bring it back from 3 members to 16 paid members.... I help make thanksgiving dinners for the elderly, and collect canned foods for the holidays... I buy presents for kids who need them for the Giving Tree Project... i am a studiuos worker and work 20 hours a week... I am nice to my sister... and am always willing to help people in my family out. I fucking drive to pick people up who have been drinking... I am good about watching out for my friends. I dont really lie, and yes i cuss, but more jokingly than seriously. I am compassionate towards animals and people. I dont tease or lead peopel in the wrong direction... i dont really manipulate people.... and i just want to change the world for the better.

so i fucking ask you right now

i dont understand why this happens to me. i am a good person. i do good deeds. i have compassion for people and things... so why dont things have compassion for me? of all the cars they could break into.. why do they choose mine? I had my laptop hidden under bags... did i leave out a strap?did they pick on me because i looked liek a good victim? Was it out of spite?

as if i wasnt already angry enough at the world and depresesd, it goes up and has to fuck with my head this way too. it has to go off and fucking take my stuff... the stuff that has FINALS information on it, like my schedules... notes fo final tests... PAPERS needed to be turned in with the finals...PICTURES that are RIDICULOUSLY important to me...parts of my best friends xmas present i was making.... the lists of things i just need on that make me even more depressed.

If life hates me so much, why does it even bother keeping me here?
no, thats not some suicidal line.. its just something that i keep thinking.
why does it hate me so much?
well you know what
i fucking hate it too.

i quit.

current mood: crying

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Saturday, November 27th, 2004
11:31 pm
Sometimes it all just makes me wonder.

Today’s entry was prompted by my co-worker Hannah, though I highly doubt she knows how she makes me think. Making it simple this is what happened:
Jon: Haha, yeah I have a therapist in texas, I need one out here
Hannah: I have one too
Jon: What do you need a therapist for?
Kendra: Jon that’s inappropriate
Hannah: I Just do
Jon: I just wanted to know why
Kendra: JON don’t talk about it okay? It is inappropriate at work
Pei: I hope your therapist is good for you
Hannah: I wouldn’t be here without them
Jon: I am just curious
Hannah: Jon, you are someone I like, but not someone I would talk about these close issues about because I know you don’t care. Very few people care.

And that was it. “I know you don’t care. Very few people care” and it prompts me to re-think people and relationships. Why don’t people care more? I mean, life is hard enough already as it is, and now we bottle our emotions up. Why can’t people be more accepting and care? Maybe that’s it… that people don’t really care about each other anymore. That even with some of my closest friends, I cant be completely honest with. I just wish that there were more people in this world that I knew cared. And I just wish people cared in general. As a good person you should care about people, about how they feel, about their wants and needs. Not just about your best friend, but anyone. That is how people create these special close relationships, because of showing care and compassion.

Thoughts like this always remind me how lonely I am. Don’t get me wrong… I know I don’t date… but maybe its because I don’t want to casually date. I know I am only 18 and have never dated… but I feel like I am past that dating stage. I am looking for someone to commit to… and someone to commit to me. Dating just seems to me to be for people who aren’t looking for their true love…and my opinion is this: why do I want to go through the casual dating when I KNOW I want to find someone to fall in love with? I know I seem overbearing… but I want to find someone who wants me because I am like this. You want to know what a hopeless romantic looks like? I’ll send you a picture. I guess… I just want that warm hand to hold.

Christmas always reminds me how lonely I am.

current mood: cold

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Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
10:08 pm
Well, i am obviously TERRIBLE at updating these things! So i will try to do an update now...

I am SO happy its almost thanksgiving... i am really excited about getting to see everyone and having just a nice week :) My psychology class was cancelled for today so i went and saw garden state with luke, then went to lunch with him. Later on i headed off to class, and after class went and watched guilty by suspicion with brian. All in all it was a movie filled day :)

ALSO.. i beg of you to please do this http://www.freephotoiPods.com/?r=12271620 and get me a free photo ipod :) Just do the "video professor" deal.. you do it, and you can cancel it the next day after the "order" has gone through. you get credited to ur card, and you get that credit for doing the offer.... i need 10 people!! And then after do it and make your friends sign up :) they just put these ones up.. so hopefully everyone dosent have it already :) YAY for free stuff :)

i will love you for life if i get this :)

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